something to share

i attended my friend's (see ting) birthday party today..everything were fine till me and two other younger guys were talking about relationships..and the birthday girl joined the conversation too..well when she said..do you think that true love ever exist in this world??....it made me ponder for a while..

yes, does it really exist? honestly i don't think so..here's why...i was once deeply in love but now my heart's shattered into pieces..i have a fragile heart which will get hurt easily..i was so in love till i didn't wanna let him go although we broke up..i cried and moan for 3 months..YES i did..i know it's stupid but i really loved him so much..during my break up period...all my fellow friends and family members will give me one whole lot of advices, i listened but i can never do what they ask me to do..telling me what to do is easy, but for me to DO it..it's difficult, if you ask me, did i totally let him go? then answer is NO...yes i am a happier person now..without him i can live my life to the fullest, but at times when i'm feeling lonely i'll think back of all the memories i had..

sad to say, but he's my first love that's why is hard for me to let go..i don't know why..maybe it's just me..who's trying to be stubborn..now, i'm in dilemma..i don't know how to express it out..but it's still about guys..you know, i really hope i'd never been into a relationship before..when i start to learn what is love, how is it like having a boyfriend who cares for you and learning how to love someone, i can never forget these three things and maybe more that i'd learned...although i'm enjoying my single life, but at times, i can feel there's a hole in my heart which no one can patch it except for the guy i love..

i really envy my close friend, who had never start any relationship before, yes she might have like someone, but she had never love anyone before..and because of this she's such a happy go lucky person, who doesn't know the meaning of love..which makes life much easier now..

i admit that i'm now a girl who's affraid of accepting LOVE...i might want someone to care for me but at the same time i'm affraid to fall for him...i'm affraid that i will get played another time which i cannot afford to let that happen cause if it happen's again, i will suffer from depression..i'm only 19 and yes i know there's still a long way to go...but along this long way, who knows what will happen..

sometimes i hope very much that i can see the future befoer i accept anything because i'm affraid to try..but if i don't try i don't learn..so..*sigh* i really don't know what to do..i leave my fate in god's hands..i wish he'll know what's best for me..