i guess i was borned to be an unhappy child since the very second i started breathing...i don't know whether i'm being too sensitive or it's true that everything that i'm sensing it's either gonna happen or it's already happening..
i'm starting to think whether i'm gonna suffer from now till the day i'm gone or it's just a short period of time my sufferings will last..i really want an answer so that i can live my life happily..
everyday i'm hoping for wonders to happen to me but it won't..WHY?? maybe i did a lot of sins in my past life or maybe i was never meant to be happy..
i don't hope for more but i only hope for things to be fine around me...GOD BLESS ME
p/s: to my dear friends who read this, please do me a favour..after reading don't ask me why am i being like this..thank you
Saturday, November 12, 2005
Wednesday, November 02, 2005
FUCK this life
people say life is beautiful...I say life is ugly-ful...i have this someone (a small little girl) whom i looked after since she was borned until she went back to Singapore when she was about 4 to live with her parents...she's my babysitter's grandaughter..i love her so much that people actually thought that i was her mother cause she looks like me...but she's not..well, since i'm an only child, she's like a younger sister to me...when she went back to live with her parents i actually cried cause i know i won't be able to see her, hug her and kiss her that often anymore...
well, as years went by...she grew bigger and of course prettier...taller and smarter...you see, when she was young, she used to scratch when the mosquito bite till it bleeds and till there's a scar...so there are alot of them on her legs...people usually call it...5 cents, 10 cents mark on the legs or hands la...few months ago, when she came back to Malaysia, i visited her...and my babysitter told me to look at the back of her legs..her scar worsen..she scratches even more and now it's like as if her parents burn her with the cigarette or somethings...recently, she came back again, and guess what now the scar is all over her legs and now is slwoly affecting her hands as well, this time, the parents came down to take her to see the specialist...when i look at her legs, i really hope that it was me having those scars and not her...seeing those scars really hurts me..even more, some are just freshly scratch...means i can still see those blood..yes, we told her not to scratch, but then how can a kid control herself from scratching when is so fucking itchy?? even we adults sometimes can't stand it...!! damn!!
i followed my babysitter and her family to port dickson last sunday...and she followed as well, of course..throughout the journey there and back, i kept an eye on her all the way...i took care of her..i gave her all the attention that i can ever give...
what i said above, is already pain enough...(maybe not to everyone cause some will just say, she's just somebody elses daughter but then, all i can say is, i love her more than anything else in the world..really!)..on the way to port dickson, i've heard the even most painful thing i've heard...i quietly sat in the car together with my babysitter and her daughter and son-in-law when i heard that *the little girl that i love so much*'s father has another girl outside...my babysitter went and ask help form those person who can read ones life(some 'sifu')..HE said that, if you want the whole family to be ok, the wife has to quiet about this issue...means although she knows about him having another girl outside, she must act don't know..sooner or later he will come back to her...and that if ever the family breaks, he'll take the older daughter away together with him which is the little girl that i'm talking about...you see, there was once her father when overseas for 2 weeks, and so her mum and her grandparents (mum's side) did not really took good care of her that when her dad came back from overseas, the daughter's scars one her legs got worst..and her dad did say to them that if this happens one more time, he's gonna bring her away along with him...
*sigh sigh* why must all these happen to her?? she's still so young...only 6 years old..she doens't get enough attention when she's in Singapore and in Malaysia, honestly she only gets the most attention from me, her aunty and her grandfather and sometimes her grandmother...(dad's side)..
sometimes i wonder, maybe i'm born to bring bad luck to those i love..anyone that i love so much tends to leave, tends to suffer and i don't know whatelse is gonna happen....i really wish not to see all these things happen..not to see HER suffer and HER family being like that, i really pray nothing bad is gonna happen, wish not to see the one i once love just leave me and made me suffer like shit, not to see the one i love now make me cry...if only someone can teach me what to do...
everyone who sees me thinks that i'm a happy girl with lotsa sparks, flowers, shines and love in my life, i might look strong and steady but actually i'm not..yes there are days that i'm truly happy but most are just so called happy days...deep inside i'm actually very weak..i always cry inside, but smiles outside...i just one someone who really cares for me and is honest to me and sometimes show your love to me cause i cannot read your mind..please, don't always give me mutual messages..i don't know why, but i don't feel it from anyone..maybe i'm a girl who's not easily satisfied and trying to deny the truth or maybe everything around me are really just lies...you may think that i'm nuts...why am i feeling sad and worried for? but nobody will understand me cause even i don't understand myself..even more, you won't feel what have i gone through although i only live through this journey called life for 19 years...so sorry to my friends who really care for me and so sorry to those who i love and whom loves me i know i'm being unfair but----> this message is for you...if one day, i'm gone, and don't have the chance to say thank you for being a great support throughout my journey of life i say it now, and if i'm gone, don't be sad..don't cry cause i don't want to see you cry..smile for me...i'm not crazy while saying this...i seriously can't stand the pain i'm going through at times , not being a good daughter, not being a great friend, not being a good girlfriend, suffering from heartache, suffering from migraine (because of this i have to eat panadols and aspirin like hell), suffering from worries, which will make me so wanna leave the world and i tell you, i have tried before...sometimes, i really hope that i'll get some kinda cancer and peacefully leave this world
but no matter what, i will always love all of you...
well, as years went by...she grew bigger and of course prettier...taller and smarter...you see, when she was young, she used to scratch when the mosquito bite till it bleeds and till there's a scar...so there are alot of them on her legs...people usually call it...5 cents, 10 cents mark on the legs or hands la...few months ago, when she came back to Malaysia, i visited her...and my babysitter told me to look at the back of her legs..her scar worsen..she scratches even more and now it's like as if her parents burn her with the cigarette or somethings...recently, she came back again, and guess what now the scar is all over her legs and now is slwoly affecting her hands as well, this time, the parents came down to take her to see the specialist...when i look at her legs, i really hope that it was me having those scars and not her...seeing those scars really hurts me..even more, some are just freshly scratch...means i can still see those blood..yes, we told her not to scratch, but then how can a kid control herself from scratching when is so fucking itchy?? even we adults sometimes can't stand it...!! damn!!
i followed my babysitter and her family to port dickson last sunday...and she followed as well, of course..throughout the journey there and back, i kept an eye on her all the way...i took care of her..i gave her all the attention that i can ever give...
what i said above, is already pain enough...(maybe not to everyone cause some will just say, she's just somebody elses daughter but then, all i can say is, i love her more than anything else in the world..really!)..on the way to port dickson, i've heard the even most painful thing i've heard...i quietly sat in the car together with my babysitter and her daughter and son-in-law when i heard that *the little girl that i love so much*'s father has another girl outside...my babysitter went and ask help form those person who can read ones life(some 'sifu')..HE said that, if you want the whole family to be ok, the wife has to quiet about this issue...means although she knows about him having another girl outside, she must act don't know..sooner or later he will come back to her...and that if ever the family breaks, he'll take the older daughter away together with him which is the little girl that i'm talking about...you see, there was once her father when overseas for 2 weeks, and so her mum and her grandparents (mum's side) did not really took good care of her that when her dad came back from overseas, the daughter's scars one her legs got worst..and her dad did say to them that if this happens one more time, he's gonna bring her away along with him...
*sigh sigh* why must all these happen to her?? she's still so young...only 6 years old..she doens't get enough attention when she's in Singapore and in Malaysia, honestly she only gets the most attention from me, her aunty and her grandfather and sometimes her grandmother...(dad's side)..
sometimes i wonder, maybe i'm born to bring bad luck to those i love..anyone that i love so much tends to leave, tends to suffer and i don't know whatelse is gonna happen....i really wish not to see all these things happen..not to see HER suffer and HER family being like that, i really pray nothing bad is gonna happen, wish not to see the one i once love just leave me and made me suffer like shit, not to see the one i love now make me cry...if only someone can teach me what to do...
everyone who sees me thinks that i'm a happy girl with lotsa sparks, flowers, shines and love in my life, i might look strong and steady but actually i'm not..yes there are days that i'm truly happy but most are just so called happy days...deep inside i'm actually very weak..i always cry inside, but smiles outside...i just one someone who really cares for me and is honest to me and sometimes show your love to me cause i cannot read your mind..please, don't always give me mutual messages..i don't know why, but i don't feel it from anyone..maybe i'm a girl who's not easily satisfied and trying to deny the truth or maybe everything around me are really just lies...you may think that i'm nuts...why am i feeling sad and worried for? but nobody will understand me cause even i don't understand myself..even more, you won't feel what have i gone through although i only live through this journey called life for 19 years...so sorry to my friends who really care for me and so sorry to those who i love and whom loves me i know i'm being unfair but----> this message is for you...if one day, i'm gone, and don't have the chance to say thank you for being a great support throughout my journey of life i say it now, and if i'm gone, don't be sad..don't cry cause i don't want to see you cry..smile for me...i'm not crazy while saying this...i seriously can't stand the pain i'm going through at times , not being a good daughter, not being a great friend, not being a good girlfriend, suffering from heartache, suffering from migraine (because of this i have to eat panadols and aspirin like hell), suffering from worries, which will make me so wanna leave the world and i tell you, i have tried before...sometimes, i really hope that i'll get some kinda cancer and peacefully leave this world
but no matter what, i will always love all of you...
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