I Feared

I feared being alone until I learned to like myself

I feared failure until I realized that I only fail if I don't try

I feared success until I realized I had to try in order to be happy with myself

I feared people's opinion until I learned that people will have opinions about me anyway

I feared rejection until I learned to have faith in myself

I feared pain until I learned that it is necessary for growth

I feared the truth until I saw the ugliness in lies

I feared life until I experienced it's beauty

I feared death until I realized is not an end, but a beginning

I feared my destiny until I realized I had the power to change my life

I feared hate until I saw that it was nothing more than ignorance

I feared love until it touched my heart, making the darkness fade into endless sunny days

I feared ridicule until I learned how to laugh at myself

I feared growing old until I realized that I gained wisdom everyday

I feared the future until I realized that life just kept getting better

I feared the past until I realized that it could no longer hurt me

I feared the dark until I saw the beauty of the starlight

I feared the light until I learned that the truth will give me strength

I feared change until I saw even the most beautiful butterfly had to undergo a metamorphosis before it could fly

I hope now to find the meaning of life so that I can gain more happiness everyday

Presentation over

Yes! It's over. I'm done with it! But I still have another 2 reports to finish and 1 assignment to be done. I'm now in the micro P lab demo-ing my lab test which I did long time ago. Now I'm scared that mine won't work. Gosh!!!!!

Laughter the Best Medicine

There's this guy in Uni that practically everyone of us avoids. He is one, that you wonder, what the hell is he doing studying engineering in Monash. He always carry a huge back pack, with lots of books in his hands however, he don't seem to score as good as we think he would. No offense, not that I'm saying that he is stupid of what, cause I myself is not that great though, but then, I don't give the impression to people that I am a studious type of girl. Anyway, talking about this post "title", let me tell you a story.

All of us, practically our gang, is always in the project lab on Tuesdays to do our project. One of my friend who is not in the same group as I am, was also avoiding this guy I'm talking about. He wanted to go over another side by sitting on the roller chair by just pushing it, however, while going over to the other side, halfway when he saw that guy, he started to go back to his place where he came from. His expression on his face really made me laugh out loud. Oh my, you should be there to watch this scenario. If only I could record it.

And I remembered once, there was another friend of mine. We were suppose to tour around the new Uni (which is now already officially open) after out exams. While touring, of course we'll drop by the computer labs to check it out. So in one of the computer labs, we were there surfing around, when suddenly my friend came in. He was properly sat behind me, till suddenly, I heard a rushing sound, a sound where someone was trying to hide quickly from something. After few minutes, he came back up, saying, is he gone? is he gone? I wonder who was that, till he told me, that guy lar! Ohok! Understood. Another time he was also hiding behind the walls because of him. So much for avoiding him, while my friend came down the stairs looking somewhere else talking to another friend, out of nowhere, that guy appeared right behind him! When my friend turned to look, he got a shock of his life. His expression then also left me laughing out loud. I laugh till I got stomach ache lar! Hahahahahahaha!!!! I laugh so much, because I watch the whole incident happened, as I was standing somewhere near them and watch that guy slowly walking towards my friend. Gosh, poor him. Sometimes to think about him , I really pity him, however, knowing his attitude like that, I can't blame people from avoiding him!

Report Week

This whole week, I've only be working on report since last Saturday. If not reports, then assignments, got no time to start studying yet. Oh no! Finals is in a months time, maybe a few days lesser. It starts on the 6th and ends on the 12th. Though I can't wait for it to end, however, I also don't want it to start. Anyway, the time will come soon though, SO I better get started as soon as I can.

Movies pending, Resident Evil Extinction, The Seeker: The Dark Is Rising and Knocked Up. When will I have the time to watch these movies? A friend of mine invited me to watch Resident Evil Extinction with her bunch of friends who are also in Engineering, but I don't really know them well, this Thursday night, but I rejected cause I have to wait for my gang to watch. So, if my gang decided to leave me out, I'm going to kill them! HAHA.

CSI Addict

Recently, I'm addicted to the CSI's series, especially CSI NY and CSI Miami. Every Monday, I will definitely sit down in front of the TV from 8pm till 11pm. Haha. Yes I know I noticed how nice CSI is so late, but nevermind it's OK.

Hate Me

This song keeps singing in my mind lately.

(If you're sleeping are you dreamingI
f your dreaming are you dreaming of me?I
can't believe you actually picked me.)

(”Hi Justin, this is your mother, and it's 2:33 on Monday afternoon.
I was just calling to see how you ware doing.
You sounded really uptight last night.
It made me a little nervous, and a l... and... well... it made me nervous, it sounded
like you were nervous, too.
I just wanted to make sure you were really OK,
And wanted to see if you were checking in on your medication.
You know I love you, and...
Take care honey
I know you're under a lot of pressure.
See ya. Bye bye”)

I have to block out thoughts of you so I don’t lose my head
They crawl in like a cockroach leaving babies in my bed
Dropping little reels of tape to remind me that I’m alone
Playing movies in my head that make a porno feel like home
There's a burning in my pride, a nervous bleeding in my brain
An ounce of peace is all I want for you.
Will you never call again?
And will you never say that you love me just to put it in my face?
And will you never try to reach me?
It is I that wanted space

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you

Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you

I’m sober now for 3 whole months it’s one accomplishment that you helped me with
The one thing that always tore us apart is the one thing I won’t touch again
In a sick way I want to thank you for holding my head up late at night
While I was busy waging wars on myself, you were trying to stop the fight
You never doubted my warped opinions on things like suicidal hate
You made me compliment myself when it was way too hard to take
So I’ll drive so fucking far away that I never cross your mind
And do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn’t do for you

Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you

And with a sad heart I say bye to you and wave
Kicking shadows on the street for every mistake that I had made
And like a baby boy I never was a man
Until I saw your blue eyes cry and I held your face in my hand
And then I fell down yelling “Make it go away!”
Just make a smile come back and shine just like it used to be
And then she whispered “How can you do this to me?”

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn’t do for you

Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you
For you
For you
For you

[Children voices:]
If you're sleeping, are you dreaming,
if you're dreaming are you dreaming of me.
I can't believe you actually picked me

People around us

When I was much younger, my mum used to tell me, never trust any friends around you. You can have good friends and close friends, but you must not let them know too much about your personal life. I don't believe her last time, but now, I know why.

Everytime when I think I had a really good friends I can rely on, I realise I would lose it one day. Real close friends never did lasted around me. Maybe I'm fated to be a lone ranger. Since I was born I was already fated to be the one and only child in the family, and I guess that's the reason why. Or maybe I'm having an attitude problem which cause people to stay away from me. Damn that!

21 years living in this "journey of life" is not an easy one. My years might still be young, but I have been through what a 25 year old adult been through. I might sound emo, but it's true. I share some of my experiences with some of my friends who are older than me and they are surprised to listen to my stories cuz some never even had that experienced before. Sometimes I feel like as if I've live for ages already. Haha. Just joking.

As I grow older, I realise people around us, are just faking. It's difficult nowadays to find one who is really true. I'm serious! Because, I have already seen many. Even myself, sometimes I also fake. I admit, but I try not to do it so often since I myself dislike "fakers"(is there such word?). Sometimes is hard to blame why people are so fake nowadays, since the world itself is also turning fake. Everyone have no choice but to be the worst people in the world to survive in this era.

I am really pissed with people who looks down on me. Yes I am not as smart as you guys, I am not as hardworking as you guys, I am a total failure in Uni whereas you guys always score so damn great, but let me tell you ONE thing, listen and READ this "I might be a loser and failure in Uni, but once I graduate and start working, I will definitely beat those who even has honours or masters in their certificate!". MARK MY WORDS. Don't think that if your great in studies you will be great in the working life!! And once when I succeed in my working life, don't come running to me asking for help, cuz I don't help and don't do a favour for those who look down on me or those who treat me like a piece of shit! Doesn't mean if you don't tell me that you look down on me, don't think I do not know it, I might be stupid in studies, but I'm not stupid in reading what people think about me!